How to spot a white girl that desperately wishes she were black and would do anything to be noticed by grill wearing, pistol toting thugs.
(My fool-proof checklist) =]
Okay first of all, they ALL have physical characteristics that are the furthest thing from black you can think of:
* freckles & pale as hell - think Casper the friendly ghost
* no booty whatsoever - trade in those Apple Bottoms for Pancake Bottoms
* nappy, greasy, ugliest shade of red ever hair piled on top of their heads [if you're lucky you might even spot one with dreads, thats a sure-fire indicator!]
Then you got the messed up grill, I'm talking summer teeth : some are over here, some are over there. Ew.
And don't forget the big wad of chewing gum that'll be smackin' loud and clear. This one will be painfully impossible to ignore.
As far as body type goes? They are never just average sized women, ohhh no. They are either crack-head skinny, chunky as hell, or just plain fat asses.
I think its also a requirement to speak more "ghetto" than all normal black people put together and multiply that by 10. Seriously, have you ever heard anyone sound so ridiculous? If so, you've sure picked a winner.
Don't even get me started on these hoes and their clothing choices.
They wear the most fake, turn your ears green gold, ever made and in large quantities.
Accessories are intended to enhance your outfit, no need for 8 chains from Walmart, 3 rings on every finger, and a gazillion pairs of earrings that say:
* your name
* your baby daddy's name
* your god-kid's name
* and the "hood" you're from
* ALL in cursive across bamboo hoops.
SO not necessary!
And PLEASE stop with the tattoos of YOUR name. No need for permanent ink, seriously.
If you are still having problems remembering your own name and are old enough to get a tattoo, you need more help than anyone without a degree can give.
No offense to women with tongue rings, but when these girls have them [and trust me, they ALL do] it looks trashy as hell.
They have to be wearing a polyester track suit too. It's a must.
Thats not Baby Phat, that's just FAT baby.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Adventures of a Mall Rat
I am often amazed at the things that I witness when I go to the mall.
Yesterday's excursion was certainly no exception.
Ok first of all we saw this guy wearing a blue and yellow pimp suit. Complete with polyester, a tie, fedora, & shades; the works. And this wasn't a young guy mind you. The first thing I thought [and whispered to my best friend], was a line from Tyler Perry's "Media Goes to Jail."
I couldn't help myself.
"Get the hell outta here in that country suit lookin like you from AGUSTA!"
haha. If you've never seen that movie/play, you won't get the refrence and you won't find it funny, but you need to go watch it. Seriously though.
THEN! We kept on seeing these two skinhead dudes. They had shaved heads and were both wearing muscle shirts that showed off arms covered in cheap tattoos. One was kinda short and buff while his friend was tall and lanky.
Anyway. They were following us, or at least we continued to run into them. Finally though we were stopped in J.C. Penny's looking at prom dresses, when the shorter one came waltzing up all bold and what not and started talking to us.
"Hey ladies. We saw you guys and we were just wondering if you were doing anything later this week?"
I politely declined the offer for the both of us, telling them that we had boyfriends.
He kinda winced and did a little "aw shucks" snap and thanked us as well as asked us to give him credit for asking. The quiet/taller one said "I TOLD you man."
It was hilarious, but I gotta give them props though for having the balls to come up to us and put themselves out there like that. Hey at least it was a compliment to us right? =]
But probably the best occurrence of the day was this:
We were just walking, minding our own business when we heard a man behind us shout out, "BENJAMIN!" We turned and looked to see a well dressed black businessman, laughing and looking at a man that was walking in front of us. This man looked back like he knew the guy, laughed and acknowledged him, but continued walking.
Weird.
They continued this SEVERAL TIMES. When I say several, I'm being kind. The man kept on yelling out Benjamin and finally a couple of times my best friend replied "Franklin."
It was like our own game of ghetto Marco Polo.
Then, on our way out, a big truck with an extended cab was sitting in the parking lot and three young guys were in the back seat looking out the rear window at us.
Next time you decide to GAWK at two pretty girls that would never give you the time of day, make sure your windows are tinted LOSERRR!
You looked like idiots.
Yesterday's excursion was certainly no exception.
Ok first of all we saw this guy wearing a blue and yellow pimp suit. Complete with polyester, a tie, fedora, & shades; the works. And this wasn't a young guy mind you. The first thing I thought [and whispered to my best friend], was a line from Tyler Perry's "Media Goes to Jail."
I couldn't help myself.
"Get the hell outta here in that country suit lookin like you from AGUSTA!"
haha. If you've never seen that movie/play, you won't get the refrence and you won't find it funny, but you need to go watch it. Seriously though.
THEN! We kept on seeing these two skinhead dudes. They had shaved heads and were both wearing muscle shirts that showed off arms covered in cheap tattoos. One was kinda short and buff while his friend was tall and lanky.
Anyway. They were following us, or at least we continued to run into them. Finally though we were stopped in J.C. Penny's looking at prom dresses, when the shorter one came waltzing up all bold and what not and started talking to us.
"Hey ladies. We saw you guys and we were just wondering if you were doing anything later this week?"
I politely declined the offer for the both of us, telling them that we had boyfriends.
He kinda winced and did a little "aw shucks" snap and thanked us as well as asked us to give him credit for asking. The quiet/taller one said "I TOLD you man."
It was hilarious, but I gotta give them props though for having the balls to come up to us and put themselves out there like that. Hey at least it was a compliment to us right? =]
But probably the best occurrence of the day was this:
We were just walking, minding our own business when we heard a man behind us shout out, "BENJAMIN!" We turned and looked to see a well dressed black businessman, laughing and looking at a man that was walking in front of us. This man looked back like he knew the guy, laughed and acknowledged him, but continued walking.
Weird.
They continued this SEVERAL TIMES. When I say several, I'm being kind. The man kept on yelling out Benjamin and finally a couple of times my best friend replied "Franklin."
It was like our own game of ghetto Marco Polo.
Then, on our way out, a big truck with an extended cab was sitting in the parking lot and three young guys were in the back seat looking out the rear window at us.
Next time you decide to GAWK at two pretty girls that would never give you the time of day, make sure your windows are tinted LOSERRR!
You looked like idiots.
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