Full-Time Cinderella

Waffles are from Mars...

2010-03-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

The male mind is a waffle whereas the female mind is much more like spaghetti.

Men compartmentalize their thoughts into many little squares & that looks like this:

This can be very frustrating for women because men really do have a one track mind, its just not necessarily sex all the time. They just only focus on one area at once.

When a man is in his "food" square nothing else matters or is really on his mind except that cheeseburger. This is why a woman cannot even try to talk to her man about their relationship or bills, whatever the case may be while he is playing video games. He is in "video games" box. It is very difficult to get a man to talk about one square when his mind is firmly rooted in a different square.

A woman's mind resembles spaghetti because all of her thoughts are connected and jumbled together just like noodles. That looks like this:

Men can find women confusing and frustrating because they jump from topic to topic and sometimes overwhelm them with different issues all at once.

Women are never thinking about just one thing. They get stressed easily and it's clear to see why when all of her thoughts are intertwined and left with nothing to separate them. While at work a woman is thinking about finances, dinner, her significant other, her kids, everything. That is just how a woman's mind is designed.

So give each other a break, look at how your significant other's mind works.

ALL DIAGRAMS by Cinderella herself :)

Is it just me?

2008-09-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ok I feel like after people get nose jobs, no matter what their nose previously looked like, their noses always look worse after the surgery.

I can look at a person and tell if they've had a nose job, even if I've never seen them before.

Its like you get a nose job and then you look like you need one, because your new one is ugly and looks fake and chiseled and plastic-y.

Does that make sense?

Examples:

Attention Redneck Bachelors:

2008-05-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Unless you are Woody from Toy Story, yelling "There's a snake in my boot!" at the top of your lungs, and for no apparent reason, is not a great way to pick up the ladies.

The only "woody" around was the one in your pants you pervert.

The bestie & I went to the lake and yes, this actually happened.

& yes I made fun of his ass.

You know me; never one to disappoint. :]

This lake also had, "Swim with CAUTION: Alligators" signs. What kind of people in their right minds would venture into such waters?

;]

It was an eventful trip to say the least.

MOMENT OF THE DAY: *Redneck dad apologizing to his daughter when people showed up to pick up the raft they left behind*

QUOTE OF THE EFFING YEAR: "Daddy was gonna tug-a-lug you in the raft, but I guess its theirs."

Dat's Fine

2008-05-11T16:55:00.001-07:00

I feel that in order to speak Ebonics or "talk ghetto", one must be able to pronounce black people's names correctly.

I had a substitute last week that fit the white girl that wants to be black description only she was like 35. She spoke normally until she started talking directly to black kids in my class. Then she turned into Shaniqua. It was hilarious.

She could NOT however pronounce any of their names. She would apologize and try to compensate her mistakes by saying, "Some people juss say dey names different and dasss fine," EVERY time she said someone's name incorrectly. She did that about 10 times. Not kidding.

Then my best friend's mom, before I even told anyone this story, did something similar.

She was talking about stealing a picture of me that I posted online, only her normal mom voice was out the window and she said, "Put ya pictcha up an' I'ma take it, dass all." It was hilarious.

Needless to say, the bestie and I applied these sentence structures to every possible situation ALL day long.

Example:

"That purse is ugly."

"Some people like dey purses like dat. An' dasss fine."

*insert uncontrollable laughter here*

Its fun. Try it.

I see you sometimes..

2008-05-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

Last year I had a stalker.

Its okay, do not be alarmed. He was merely a harmless curly-headed skateboarder, but apparently he knew me very well the day I first met him.

I'm minding my own business in the middle of the auditorium when he approaches my friends and me and strikes up a conversation. THEN, out of the blue he turns to me and says, "Do you have B lunch?"

And I had to respond,"Um, yes I do?"

"Yeah, I see you sometimes."

Who says that?? Creepy. I Know.

Then everyday he would pass me in the hallway and make remarks to his friends or flash me a smile, and my friends all knew him as Cinderella's Stalker.

Now a year later, I run into him at Taco Bell, where he just happens to be employed. He asks me if I remember him and continuously made excuses to be close to our table. It was highly entertaining.

The best friend's dad didn't think so. If only looks could kill.

How to spot the: I wish I was black, white girl

2008-04-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

How to spot a white girl that desperately wishes she were black and would do anything to be noticed by grill wearing, pistol toting thugs.

(My fool-proof checklist) =]

Okay first of all, they ALL have physical characteristics that are the furthest thing from black you can think of:

* freckles & pale as hell - think Casper the friendly ghost
* no booty whatsoever - trade in those Apple Bottoms for Pancake Bottoms
* nappy, greasy, ugliest shade of red ever hair piled on top of their heads [if you're lucky you might even spot one with dreads, thats a sure-fire indicator!]

Then you got the messed up grill, I'm talking summer teeth : some are over here, some are over there. Ew.

And don't forget the big wad of chewing gum that'll be smackin' loud and clear. This one will be painfully impossible to ignore.

As far as body type goes? They are never just average sized women, ohhh no. They are either crack-head skinny, chunky as hell, or just plain fat asses.

I think its also a requirement to speak more "ghetto" than all normal black people put together and multiply that by 10. Seriously, have you ever heard anyone sound so ridiculous? If so, you've sure picked a winner.

Don't even get me started on these hoes and their clothing choices.

They wear the most fake, turn your ears green gold, ever made and in large quantities.

Accessories are intended to enhance your outfit, no need for 8 chains from Walmart, 3 rings on every finger, and a gazillion pairs of earrings that say:

* your name
* your baby daddy's name
* your god-kid's name
* and the "hood" you're from
* ALL in cursive across bamboo hoops.

SO not necessary!

And PLEASE stop with the tattoos of YOUR name. No need for permanent ink, seriously.

If you are still having problems remembering your own name and are old enough to get a tattoo, you need more help than anyone without a degree can give.

No offense to women with tongue rings, but when these girls have them [and trust me, they ALL do] it looks trashy as hell.

They have to be wearing a polyester track suit too. It's a must.

Thats not Baby Phat, that's just FAT baby.

Adventures of a Mall Rat

2008-04-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am often amazed at the things that I witness when I go to the mall.

Yesterday's excursion was certainly no exception.

Ok first of all we saw this guy wearing a blue and yellow pimp suit. Complete with polyester, a tie, fedora, & shades; the works. And this wasn't a young guy mind you. The first thing I thought [and whispered to my best friend], was a line from Tyler Perry's "Media Goes to Jail."

I couldn't help myself.

"Get the hell outta here in that country suit lookin like you from AGUSTA!"

haha. If you've never seen that movie/play, you won't get the refrence and you won't find it funny, but you need to go watch it. Seriously though.

THEN! We kept on seeing these two skinhead dudes. They had shaved heads and were both wearing muscle shirts that showed off arms covered in cheap tattoos. One was kinda short and buff while his friend was tall and lanky.

Anyway. They were following us, or at least we continued to run into them. Finally though we were stopped in J.C. Penny's looking at prom dresses, when the shorter one came waltzing up all bold and what not and started talking to us.

"Hey ladies. We saw you guys and we were just wondering if you were doing anything later this week?"

I politely declined the offer for the both of us, telling them that we had boyfriends.

He kinda winced and did a little "aw shucks" snap and thanked us as well as asked us to give him credit for asking. The quiet/taller one said "I TOLD you man."

It was hilarious, but I gotta give them props though for having the balls to come up to us and put themselves out there like that. Hey at least it was a compliment to us right? =]

But probably the best occurrence of the day was this:

We were just walking, minding our own business when we heard a man behind us shout out, "BENJAMIN!" We turned and looked to see a well dressed black businessman, laughing and looking at a man that was walking in front of us. This man looked back like he knew the guy, laughed and acknowledged him, but continued walking.

Weird.

They continued this SEVERAL TIMES. When I say several, I'm being kind. The man kept on yelling out Benjamin and finally a couple of times my best friend replied "Franklin."

It was like our own game of ghetto Marco Polo.

Then, on our way out, a big truck with an extended cab was sitting in the parking lot and three young guys were in the back seat looking out the rear window at us.

Next time you decide to GAWK at two pretty girls that would never give you the time of day, make sure your windows are tinted LOSERRR!

You looked like idiots.

Define "Starving"

2007-12-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

Here is another one about my infamous big brother.

First of all, you have to understand something about this guy, he doesn't like to be wrong or told that someone out there has had it worse than him. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't call him a liar, I just think he makes stuff up in his head, stretches of the truth if you will, and he honestly believes what comes out of his mouth.

Anyway, a conversation came up about people being hungry and claiming that they were "starving". I was simply saying that most people have never and will never in their whole entire lives, be starving, but he had to jump in with his stories of living on the street when his mom kicked him out and tell me that he wad actually not eaten for a whole week, so don't tell him that he has never been starving.

*rolls eyes*

Later when my best friend and I were talking about the previous conversation, I told her that he was in and out of family and friend's houses and I'm sure that he ate something in that 7 day period, so technically he wasn't starving.

Starving makes me and probably a lot of you out there, think about those kids in Africa with malnourished bellies that you can feed for 80 cents a day, not someone that eats and just doesn't eat enough. I mean starving is so much worse than that. I doubt that if you look up the word starving in the dictionary, you will see this:

Starving: adj. meaning eating sometimes.

If I am wrong, someone alert Webster and tell him he made a mistake, 'cause I looked it up and he agrees with ME.

I Mean Sometimes It's Night...

2007-12-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

When asked about his job as a welder/iron worker my brother once said, "the light of the torch is 3 times brighter than the sun." I love my brother, but I refused to believe that this was true. So what, you ask, was my argument? Well here goes,

"The sun is bright enough to light up the whole earth, I mean sometimes it's night, but" and I stopped right there because that was just funny and stupid sounding all at once. But regardless of my ditzy rebuttal to his claim, I am right about this, I know I am.

I mean come on, its the freakin sun for cryin out loud, nothing tops that huge sphere of luminous heat that gives life to all, especially not a freakin torch that makes metal stick together. It just simply isn't true. So ha.

Most Disturbing Job EVER

2007-11-30T22:39:00.000-08:00

You know how teachers ask everyone in the class what it is they want to be when they grow up? Kids raise their hands and call out occupations of all sorts; "I wanna be a fire fighter, police man, teacher, pilot, lawyer," and of course there is always a doctor. These jobs are all the typical answers you will hear when asking what career path people want to take. Now there are many types of doctors; surgeons, pediatricians, dentists; people that go into a medical profession want to help people to improve their health and to save lives, but who wakes up and decides, "Hey, I think I wanna be a gynecologist"???

Am I the only person concerned about the mental health and reasoning of person that could want to be an OBGYN? I mean in all seriousness who wants to look at vaginas all damn day long? I understand sex and vagina and men and the attraction there, but ok that makes male OBGYNs perverts and what about the females? If they are lesbians, which would explain the vagina fixation, they too are perverts that I would not want or trust near my vagina and if they are not lesbians then why do they want to look at vaginas all day?

Not only this, but I'm pretty sure it's not all flowers and rainbows, fresh and cleanliness in those doctor's offices. I'd say they examine at least ten vaginas a day if not more than that, (sorry if my statistics aren't up to par, I don't know all that much about vagina doctor daily routine, thank God) and probably more than half of those are nasty, hairy, fat, infected, or stinky. Not at all appealing. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE ALL UP IN THAT EVERYDAY TO MAKE YOUR LIVING? It'd make more sense to me, the desire to be a gynecologist, if it was guaranteed that they would all be sanitary and healthy, but even that would only be a little better, but it simply isn't the case. If all vaginas were sanitary and healthy we wouldn't need such doctors.

I apologize to any OBGYNs I offend, but why are you driven to inspect va-jay-jays all day everyday?

I don't know if I am alone in this, but I just happen to find gynecology the most disturbing practice of medicine and job ever created.

Ode to Marilyn

2007-11-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

My best friend's mother is the coolest mom EVER!

She is the only mom I know that is totally comfortable with her kids cursing like sailors and talking crudely about sex. Ok maybe she isn't so comfortable with the crude sex comments, but she deals with it and usually laughs along. She cracks me up and I can usually get her to smile too. She is so sweet and mommy-ish that when she gets angry and curses it sounds hilarious and almost out of place. "THAT IS A HUGE FUCKING BUILDING." She is the only mom I know that will literally serve her kids their drinks and meals even though they are capable teenagers and adults. And like Rach says, she knows the exact portions of food to give us. Even me. She makes the best cupcakes you've ever put in your mouth. She cracks up at the dumb stuff Rachel and I pull when out in public and rarely yells at us. =) She claims me as her own and that says a lot about her. Especially if you know me at all. haha. She is very easy to talk to and probably knows more about my current life than my own mother. We watch stoner teen flick movies with her and trade library books on dysfunctional women. Guess that says something about us? haha. I love this woman. She puts up with a lot from us kids and if/when she reads this, I hope she knows that I really appreciate her as a friend and an adopted mommy.

You Might Be A Redneck...

2007-11-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

I will admit that I used to live in a very rural and very "hick" area of Northern Kentucky. I had a horrible country accent, worked on a farm, had cows for pets, went hunting and fishing and learned to shoot a gun way before you should ever trust a child with a gun (especially a blonde like me). As if this all wasn't bad enough, I also learned to drive a tractor before I graduated elementary school. Turns out, this would come in handy in the years to come. Yes, my high school had a tractor day. You heard me tractor DAY. It was a tradition that every year there was a day set aside that anybody could drive their tractor to school. It was a VERY big deal. People would soup up their "rides" to have the biggest, loudest, and therefore best tractor of them all. The drivers had to wake up extremely early to make it to school on time because tractors rarely exceed speeds of 35 miles per hour. I remember in middle school our bus drivers would purposely get stuck behind the trail of tractors so that we could observe all of the festivities. Thanks Mr. Bus Driver, I don't know what I'd do if I missed out on Tractor Day. One year a kid even put a big enough motor on a lawn mower and drove that thing to school. Ridiculous? Oh it gets better.

We just happened to look up and see that a helicopter was flying over our middle and high school campuses. And who was in that helicopter you ask? The morning news. Apparently it wasn't just the local news either. I got a call that afternoon from my cousin in Florida saying that he had seen the segment on our school and our makeshift tractor parade all the way down there. Thanks Mr. News Reporter Man, I don't know what the world would do if they didn't get their news fix on what the stupid rednecks in Henry County, Kentucky were doing. Even now, years later, I cannot escape the cruel jokes of my best friend's little sister about how my school actually had a day dedicated to tractors.

As if telling people that you came from Kentucky wasn't enough material for hillbilly humor.

=(

Yes, I rode a tractor to school.

Resident of Hell Avenue

2007-11-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

What do you think Hell is like? If you ask me its not all flames and pitchforks, no it's more like living with a slightly overweight, delusional, and work refusing mother who loves to cook yet hates to clean, a step-dad that is extremely dysfunctional on so many levels with an anger problem and a habit for snooping and TRYING to catch me up to something, a crazy older brother prone to accidents and traffic violations with a bad attitude and an even worse love life, and an even older, single-dad of a brother with a young daughter that he can not seem to take care of properly, day in and day out. And these are only the ones I am forced to deal with on a daily basis; this is not at all mentioning the family living up north that raised me my whole life and hates my guts for moving away from them. I'm not even close to normal, but considering I was raised by the people I was, I guess I turned out all right.

But anyway, my life on a daily basis consists of waking up super late rushing through my sketchy neighborhood with a small canister of pepper spray (thanks mom) and catching a bus in the freezing cold that is filled with immature morons that make me seriously question how they have passed the fifth grade, let alone made it to high school. Yes, I am a loser senior that still rides the bus. I've honestly wished for the bus to crash and kill me just so I could escape the cursing and the idiotic comebacks that these kids come up with. I doubt that saying "Your Momma" really makes people regret insulting you. Thank God for my best friend. Rach bought me an iPod for Christmas and it has become my savior. Blasting some music on the 30 minute bus ride to drown all this out is the only way I can make it to my dangerous and ridiculous excuse for a public school everyday. I take advanced classes and strive to get good gradesso that my G.E.D. (not even high school diploma mind you) having Nazi parents won't ground me from hanging out with my best friend (the ONLY privilege I have at nearly 18 years old).

Then I come home to my mom who is at this point in the day, "exhausted" from watching my handful of a niece, so she then passes that responsibility to me so that she can cook dinner for the family. Ok some people's mothers never cook family meals and they are so jealous of this I'm sure, but who wouldn't want to cook fucking 3 meals a day knowing that they don't have to clean it up, do the dishes or anything. She doesn't even have the courtesy to think, "hey, my hard working daughter has to clean up after me later" oh nooo. Just go ahead and slop stuff all over the stove and counter and leave it because I'm sure that is completely necessary in cooking ...and "oh don't worry my daughter has to clean it up." (insert evil laugh here). This is only the beginning of my list of chores. I also have to vacuum, dust, straighten up the living room, sweep, feed our 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 8 fish as well as make sure that those two dogs (huge pit and pit/lab mix by the way) are let out to "potty". Please also note that all of these orders get barked at me while I am in my room trying to do homework, sleep, or keep up with a social life, by a woman complaining that she is overweight and needs to work on it. HELLOOOO, get up off your ass and do something!! I doubt that making delicious yet fattening home cooked meals followed by watching television is a supported by Jenny Craig. Just sayin.

My mom also expects me to have some great level of respect for my step-father who has fucked up 5 times too many if you ask me, but wait nobody asks me. I frequently get punished for backtalk and attitude towards him , but I refuse to hold my tongue. My mom's argument is that he is the adult and I am the "child". My rebuttal is ..."alright well then he should know better." I'm sorry, but if he acts like a child, he will get treated like one. Don't trust you, don't respect you, then I'm not going to lie to your face unless I can get something out of it, and in this situation all I'm getting is an annoying buzzing in my ear, so sorry. If you wanna dish it be prepared to take it, and more than likely eat your words. End of story.

So where will I go when I die? It certainly won't be Hell. I already live there. I welcome a change in scenery.